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Egyptian Odyssey
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MetroPolly
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 2:53 pm    Post subject: Egyptian Odyssey Reply with quote

I had written this ages ago,and later used it for a school assignment (IIRC, got me a B-.)

Aanyway, it's not sci-fi per se, but I thought you might like it.
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“During the reign of Horemheb, there was a priestess, by name Cellamon. She was known for her beauty and intelligence. However, she also possessed a wicked temper and strength that made even the king nervous. One day, she had an audience with the king, as she had had several times, this one ended in a loud argument and her storming out of the throne room, declaring that she would have what was rightfully hers.

The next day, she returned, apparently to apologize. Just then, one of the king”s advisors rushed in, saying he had evidence that she planned to depose the king by means of sorcery. She should have been executed on the spot, but for some reason, the king commanded her blood must not be shed, and decreed she shall be banished. The advisor, thinking she may return with reinforcements, decided on a far worse punishment. She was therefore taken to the temple of Osiris and sealed alive in a back wall, so she would never enter the afterlife”.”


“So, what do you think of that?” asked Leo. Prof. Leonard Bradley had never believed in legends, but this one grabbed him. He found it in a bundle of papyrus scraps in the desk of his predecessor when he took over the asst. curator”s job at the Luxor Museum. His friend and colleague, Nathan Swanson just shrugged. “OK, it”s an interesting story, but so what?”

“Well, it may sound like a story to you, but the people and place names are real. Who”s to say the rest isn”t as well? What do you say to going to that temple and looking for where they walled her in?”

Nathan laughed. “Well, I got nothing better to do, so sure. When?”

“After dark. The tourists will be gone by then. It”ll be okay as long as we don”t take anything out of it. We”ll bring a couple lanterns and a camera.”

That night, they were approaching the temple. As expected, the area was dark and quiet. As they neared the entrance, Nathan stopped. “Look. There was a light in there and it just went out. I thought tourists weren”t allowed in here this late.”

"Not without permission they”re not.” said Leo. “They”re probably camping here and heard us coming.”

They entered quietly and turned on the lanterns to hunt for inscriptions. Just then, a voice, seeming coming from everywhere at once, said, “Who dares enter this sacred place?”

The men looked for the speaker, then spotted movement at the far end of the chamber.

It was a woman. She was dressed in a very old-fashioned white linen gown that went to her ankles, almost covering leather sandals. She wore little jewelry, a ceramic necklace, a gold bracelet, and a gold ring with a black scarab set in it. All this, however, could not take away from her face. Noble and very intelligent, but the dark brown eyes belied a certain coldness which was enhanced by the raven black hair spilling over her shoulders.

She repeated the question, to which Leo replied, “We were about to ask you the same thing.”

She looked them over disdainfully and said “You will bow.” They pretended not to hear. She repeated in a more impatient tone, “You will bow before Cellamon.”

Leo, stiffening, made a courtly bow and motioned Nathan to do the same, whispering, “Humor her; I got a bad feeling about this.”

Leo quickly apologized, saying they didn”t know who she was, and then introduced himself and Nathan.

She acknowledged him and said, “Oh, then you”re nothing but common tomb robbers. Well, I will spare you for now, but when I come to power, you”ll not be so lucky.”

Leo said politely that archaeologists are scientists, not robbers. Then Nathan said, “What do you mean, “ come to power?”“

She turned to leave, saying casually, "Not that it matters to you, but I intend to take Egypt as mine, and I am not particular as to how I get it.”

Without thinking, Nathan shot back, “You can”t do that!”

She turned around and said quietly, “Oh, can”t I?” Then she began to walk toward them. To their horror, with every step, she looked less human, and more like an animal, a lioness.

As she approached, she said, “I have been around a long time, I have traveled this world and observed its people, and I have come to the interesting conclusion that all leaders up to this point have been woefully inferior to me. You cannot fight the inevitable. I intend to have my kingdom.

Then, completely transformed, she said in a horrible growl, “And I will not be crossed by two lowly mortals!”

She lunged at the men, who barely dodged her claws, though Leo got three nasty scratches on his arm. As she turned to jump again, they made a dead run for the door. They ran for the car, echoes of harsh laughter ringing in their ears.

As they sped off, Nathan said in a trembling voice, “Did that just happen?”

Leo, checking the damage to his arm, which was painful but not dangerous, replied,” I think so. Did you ever hear that name before today? I didn”t.” Then he added in a low tone, “Tell you one thing, if it did happen, we”re all in big trouble.”

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Gord Green
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good attempt! I think what all good writers need is a good editor to give it polish.

Placing your story at the end of the 18th dynasty was a good point. The succession was very uncertain as Horemheb had no heirs. The crown was passed through the matrilinial line so Cel-Amon could have been a daughter of Akhnaten who would have had a legitimate claim to the throne as Horemhebs claim came from his adoption as heir by Tutachkamun and his marriage to Meritaten ( another of Akhnaten's daughters by his prime wife Nefertiti ) She could have been a daughter by a secondary wife- another daughter of Amenhotep III , possibly Sitamun.

Her lion like persona would be her adoption of Sekmet, the goddess of destruction. Well conceived!

. The temple she was walled up in could have been the Osirian at Abydos. Completed by Seti I but started by Ramesees I soon after the death of Horemheb.

Keep writing!

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MetroPolly
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow Gord. I appreciate the observations. You know your Egyptian history. Thanks for the comments!

Actually, her lineage is laid out in a second part of the story I have yet to post. If there's enough interest, I'll put it up.

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Zackuth
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Go ahead and post the next part, you have my interest.
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Gord Green
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 28, 2016 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Go for it kid!

Keep writing, writing, writing! You can only sharpen your skills by hard work .

I'm very interested in your story, but remember, I also look for some historical accuracy, especially in names.

What most people don't realize is that Egyptian names MEAN something. For example, "Tut anckh Amun" means "Image - living- Amun" or " Living image of Amun".

A good woman's name would be Nefer which means "beautiful".
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MetroPolly
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First, Zack, to be honest, I posted the whole dang story on the CHFB at one time, but I think I asked for it to get scrubbed when the responses weren't what I expected (namely, some dope wanted to turn it into a Michael Bay movie)

Next, I'll gladly post the second half now, Gord, but I really hope you're not a big stickler for historical accuracy, 'cause it's not. It IS fiction, after all.
__________________________________

The Metropolitan Museum, that storehouse some of the world”s finest examples of ancient craftsmanship, was about to unveil another collection, though this one was on loan. A cocktail party of sorts was planned as a formal presentation. This wasn”t only good publicity, but also a nice cover to collect donations from the wealthier guests. The party was arranged and hosted by Dr. Felix Marshall, a well known historian and archaeologist, but equally known as a natural skeptic and not a man to brook foolishness.

Naturally, he invited his colleagues responsible for arranging the display; Leo and Nathan. It was a semi-formal affair, meaning white tie wasn”t necessary. He greeted his friends and walked to the display case to give a quick speech.

“Well, I”d like to welcome you all here and in particular, my colleagues at the Luxor Museum for the loan of these lovely examples of Eighteenth Dynasty jewelry.” He whisked the cover off the case. “As you can see, these aren”t fantastic, but some can be identified. With the exception of the bracelet, which I believe was found near the entrance of a minor king”s tomb. Unfortunately, as there is no inscription, we have no way of knowing who it belonged to. So “ “

He was interrupted by a voice in the back, saying in a annoyed tone, “On the contrary, I know exactly who it belongs to.”

Felix, deciding the party was getting dull anyway, said, “ Okay, why don”t you come up here and tell us?”

The crowd parted, and to the shock of Leo and Nathan, it was her. She was dressed to suit the occasion, in a green velvet dress and her hair in a gentle up sweep. She made her way to the front of the crowd and addressed herself to Felix in particular. “That bracelet happens to be mine. I lost it after they buried my father. It must have fallen off as I was leaving.”

Felix figured this would be fun to draw out, so he said, “That bracelet is over 3,000 years old.”

“Yes,” she replied, “So am I.”

Now he thought she was at least a little off, so he deciding to bring the party back to order. “Look, I don”t know what you hope to get out of this, but you”re not getting that bracelet.”

She stepped closer to him. “Oh, really?” She smiled, and before anyone could move, she seized Felix by the throat and lifted him off the ground, which was surprising considering Felix was a few inches taller.

Leo, desperately trying to save his friend, said, “Don”t hurt him! He didn”t know who you were. Please put him down.”

She turned and smiled at him. “Certainly.” She callously flung Felix to the ground like a rag doll. He was bruised but otherwise fine. Then she turned her attention to the display case.

The case, as was well advertised, was made of a special composite material that was shatter-proof, scratch proof, and bullet resistant. But this didn”t matter. She looked it over, running her fingers over it and, with a tap, it shattered in a million pieces. She quietly got her bracelet, and with everyone being very confused, left the room unhindered.

Felix, having recovered, started after her, saying, “Hey, get back here! Nobody does that to me!”

Leo grabbed him and held him back, saying, “Don”t. Trust me, it”s not worth it.” So, he and Nathan pulled him aside and explained their narrow escape.

A few weeks later, back in Egypt, Leo and Nathan were surprised to see Felix walk into the office. “Yeah, after I explained whatever happened, the board of directors thought it might be a good idea to take a little time off.”

Leo was sympathetic. “They didn”t think you were involved, did they?”

“No. But they wanted me out of the way while they investigate”

“But, that”s not why I came down here. Something”s been nagging at me; remember when she said that bracelet had been lost when they buried her father? Well, I looked through the notes you sent along with it. It was found in the tomb of Aye, right?”

Leo checked through the records. “Right. The guy who succeeded King Tut.”

“Well, I decided to do a little digging. Look at these.” He handed over some photos, his hands shaking.

They were pictures of the walls of a tomb “ typical scenes showing favorite activities and depictions of family. Felix didn”t wait for the question. “Does the little girl standing behind the queen look familiar?”

Leo stared at it, Nathan looking over his shoulder.

“Hang on,” said the latter. “Do you mean we”re not just dealing with a dangerous 3,000 year old priestess, we”re dealing with “ “

“Royalty?”

They jumped and turned around. She was standing in the doorway, dressed in white linen, but a more modern style than when they first met her.

“As I said, you cannot fight the inevitable. I am a princess of the royal house, and I will have what”s owed me. I must say, you”re brave to come back here after our last meeting.” She spotted Felix. “I”m glad you”re not badly injured, Dr. Marshall. You shouldn”t have gotten in my way. I don”t like to be challenged, as I”m sure your colleagues can attest.”

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Gord Green
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 5:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No problem at all with the historic accuracy!

It is unknown whether Aye had any daughters. He had no sons at least. Aye was not from a royal line, he was the prime minister under Tut, but usurped the throne from Horemheb ( Due it is thought because as grand general of the army he was out of the country fighting in Syria. ) Aye took the throne by forcing Queen Anckesanamun (Tut's widow) into a marriage.

Magic, or as it was called in Egyptian "Heka" was an accepted part of everyday life , as was the magical reserection of the body through magical means.

There are a number of books in this vien, QUEEN OF THE DAMMNED and THE MUMMY by Anne Rice come to mind.

Historicity aside this chapter shows an improvement in your writing abilities. Your narrative style is better and I Love the story! MORE !


Last edited by Gord Green on Mon Aug 29, 2016 9:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Bud Brewster
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

________________________________

Hot damn, Miss Polly, good stuff! Keep it coming, please!

All Sci-Fi's ancient software screwed up some of your paragraph breaks and other formatting (the same way it does with mine when I post my own writing here from a Word document Sad), but I tried to correct the errors it caused to your fine writing, since I know what to look for and how to fix it.

If I got anything wrong (like, separating the dialog so it was clear who was speaking), please fix it so we can continue to enjoy your fine story! Very Happy

In short, "Please, ma'am, we want more!" Shocked




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MetroPolly
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, thanks for the approval, Bud. Coming from a real author, it means a lot. The formatting isn't a big deal; I use Open Office, so I'm just glad it worked at all.

And, Gord, thanks for not getting too technical. I wrote that before all the newer theories about Tut's death happened. I just wanted to put a little twist in.

I do have part of a third section, but it pretty much leaves historical accuracy in the dust and veers clean into fantasy. Think you can manage it?
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2016 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Go for it!

I can suspend my need for accuracy when reading a good yarn!
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 12:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

________________________________

Polly, if you were writing a non-fiction account based on your careful research of historical evidence, getting your facts straight would be crucial.

But if you're writing fiction that's "inspired" by events and characters taken from history, the facts are completely irrelevant. Entertaining your readers is what's crucial. You don't even have to call it an "alternate timeline" or a "parallel universe" or "a vivid dream I had last night" or anything else to justify the fact that you've made up a great yarn, and you've told it with style and skill. Very Happy

In fact, the more stuff you lift from history, the less stuff you had fun making up and dazzling us with. So, stop worrying about educating us with Egyptian history, and keep right on dazzling us with your imagination and talent. Cool

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Gord Green
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 7:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can appreciate veering from accuracy if the story is engrossing enough.

I've read all of Wilber Smith's RIVER GOD stories and they not only veer, they caroom !

Your story has MUCH promise, so MORE!
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Bud Brewster
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gord Green wrote:
I can appreciate veering from accuracy if the story is engrossing enough.

How can fiction NOT "veer from reality". Her story isn't supposed to present Egyptology, it's supposed to present a fantasy that uses fictional versions of characters from history. Would "Raiders of the Lost Ark" have been better if it had been more "historically and Biblically accurate"?

I guess I don't get why any degree of "historical accuracy" would be considered the least bit necessary or beneficial to a work of fiction.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 9:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well.....actually ...."Raiders of the Lost Ark" WAS basically accurate except for the fantasy aspects.

The biblical Shishak was actually the 22nd. dynasty pharaoh Sheshonk who DID invade Israel and bring the spoils to Avaris in the delta. His intact tomb there WAS discovered by a French archeologist (Pierre Monet) prior to WW2 . No Ark was found....That part is fantasy and made a great story. On the other hand "Crystal Skull" was based on BS and was....Let's say, a less than desirable story.

You don't have to suspend reality, but it does make a good "hook" to have some familiar elements.

Even LOTR has roots in a believable reality. But a good story can overcome accuracy. Heck, look at Shakespeare's "histories". A touch of accuracy overpowered by imagination and characterization producing masterpieces of literature!

But....When he veered into pure fantasy, like in THE TEMPEST and A MIDSUMMERS NIGHT'S DREAM ....He was superb!

But we're getting away from the real point...Polly's story. As I've said, I love it! It shows good elements in characterization and structure. So...I really don't care how "accurate" it is. So far she's more than met my needs of accuracy for getting interested in her tale!

I just want to know what happens next, and that's the FIRST requirement of a great story!
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Bud Brewster
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gord Green wrote:
But we're getting away from the real point...Polly's story. As I've said, I love it! It shows good elements in characterization and structure. So...I really don't care how "accurate" it is. So far she's more than met my needs of accuracy for getting interested in her tale!

I just want to know what happens next, and that's the FIRST requirement of a great story!

Ah-ha. We certainly agree that Polly's story is good! Very Happy

I'm a bit curious about this statement.

"So far she's more than met my needs of accuracy for getting interested in her tale!"

Maybe this question will help us understand any differing opinions we have on this subject. How did you feel about the portrayal of Howard Hughes in The Rocketeer?

The filmmakers obviously took a few liberties with his portrayal. Howard's basic nature seemed accurate enough, but naturally he didn't really pioneer the invention of a rocket pack. However, it was definitely something his aircraft company could have done in a fictional universe.

Perhaps a better example of a fictional character patterned after a real person was Timothy Dalton's character, who was inspired by Errol Flynn, but with a different name in the movie. And yet the character was not based on the real man, it was based on the Hollywood legends he inspired and the unproven rumors of his Nazi ties.

To me, that's what Polly is doing. She's taking the names of legendary figures from history and using only those facts which appeal to her, reinventing the people to construct her characters. It's like a buffet which includes both fact and fiction — she chooses what facts she wants to use, tosses in a few popular legends, and mixes these with the fiction she creates herself.

The result is a good story, just for it's own sake.

Hey, maybe that's exactly what you meant in your statement above! If so, I apologize for missing your point. Very Happy

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Is there no man on Earth who has the wisdom and innocence of a child?
~ The Space Children (1958)


Last edited by Bud Brewster on Thu Mar 15, 2018 9:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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